There I am standing over there in the corner.  I hold out a cup and I ask you to fill it and I will love you for it.  And you say "I want to...I want to" and you begin to fill it, but then you look over your shoulder. 

"Wait.  Stay here till I get back".  I see the shadows behind her that are her dreams, phantoms that only seem real. 

She walks away with the life giving drink she gave me spilling onto the floor.  I can smell it and taste it, but can't drink it down deep;  there just isn't enough there to satiate this thirst I have for her. 

She is beholden to her dreams.  And I wait in the corner. 

I have drink for her that I would lavish upon her.  That would completely satisfy.  But her dreams hold her attention, and they steal my Love away from me. 

She turns the corner on her quest to find what she has been looking for. I feel so alone while her heart seeks another.  And I slowly move to free myself from my prison.  Moving slowly from this room of my pain.  I finally exit this place that held my greatest joys....what a painful parting.  I gaze through the window...and there in the corner...barely beating...is my heart...

I will try to live without it for awhile....I have no choice. It has tasted the love it had always wanted. 
It stays there, unmoving, with the hope that one day she will return. 

I walk away to chase my own phantoms from me.

She calls out to me and I would always respond.  I would always love her.  But my heart is still in its prison.  And I can lie to my mind about her.  I can pretend that her other interests do not touch me. 

I am wandering in no-mans land.  I dread the day that I lay eyes on another.  Because my heart will ever be hers.  I do not think I can go back for it; I gave it to her.  It will ever wait for this one I love so much...this one that I need so desperately. 

My heart belongs to her.  I don't want to give it to another.

I am walking.  I am moving.  I hope I come alive again soon. 

No more promises and no more commitments for anyone....sorry....but I have nothing left...go ahead and stab me in the back cuz I don't feel anything any more...

I was going to post that somewhere but I will end up upsetting somebody somewhere.  

I want a hug.  I want to feel something.  I don't want to drink and smoke and party cuz it just leaves me feeling even more empty and because its just pathetic in and of itself.....the behavior of losers.  I want another person to want me, to love me, to be committed totally to me.  I want you to want to be with me so that I can have the courage to make a full commitment to you.  I'm tired of every relationship always being so one-sided, with me pouring out my heart and offering all of me and only to get back what someone feels like giving me.....which is usually just what works for them.  I feel like I shouldn't have to ask for attention and for a reasonable effort to love me.  But then again, when you have put yourself in a place where you don't have to be committed then you don't have to love that way either.  Its very convenient.  And I always end up suffering for it.  I need a lover...long-distance, short-distance whatever.  It doesn't matter to me as long as you are totally commited.  Distances don't mean anything when your heart is totally given.  How many other people are forced to be apart but their love remains incredibly strong?  How many others are seperated by going to different schools or because they are in the military?

Its not a matter of distance, its a matter of the heart.  And always will be.  In fact most relationships where people see each other every day end up falling apart.  They don't have to work at it like people who are apart, so they get spoiled and lazy and selfish.  I want someone who will be seeking me out everyday and will want to connect with my heart.  I want to have sex with you in my heart before you ever get to touch my body.  If you're not willing to do that then I can't commit to you.  I gave my body to those who I thought loved me and each time they left me after they got what they wanted.  What do you want from me?  Do you want to feel good?  Do you want me to give you a thrill?  Will you love me forever after you finally get what you want?  Do you love me or just have lust for me?  Why do you want me to commit my body to you when you won't fully commit your heart to me?  

There is no use trying to get love from anyone who is not willing to give it; who isn't willing to put in the effort to work at the relationship.  Anyone can have sex and have sexual thrills, but the work that is needed to be in love at the heart level requires real commitment of your mental, emotional, and spiritual sides.  When you won't expend the effort to really, truly get to know someone you are telling them that you only need certain things from them.  You tell them that they serve your purposes....maybe its friendship...maybe its sex....maybe its they help you feel less alone.  But it doesn't mean you're commited to them.  It doesn't mean you really love them.  Love requires a sacrifice of spirit.  It involves a commitment of your soul for what is best for the other person.  You show you love someone by showing true interest in them by asking deeper questions and by doing small acts of love and kindness.  True love takes the time to listen and gives honest feedback, even if it hurts.  But true love isn't mean-spirited about what is true.  Its gentle and patienct and understanding. 

I don't want to leave the best thing I've ever had.  But I can't be tortured at the thought that there are others who are the real object of your desire, even if they are only fictions in your imagination.  The one I choose to love will get all of my devotion, just like I've given all of me to you.  I have only held back one thing...but it was never, ever my heart.  I will go through an emotional and spiritual death inside in order to open my heart to another.  I honestly don't know how I can do this.  It hurts you to see me like this I know...but we have committed ourselves to being honest with each other.  I don't want this upsetting you...but  I know its unavoidable.  I hate the choices in front of me.  I hate them so much that....I despair.  I want so badly to keep what I have with you.  My love for you can never end....but somehow I have to find a way to look into the heart of another.   And somehow I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.  I hope there is a man out there who will be all you need him to be for you.  I don't want you living in fantasy...but to find in reality what you really want. 

I have given you all of my heart....poured out....devoted....passionate.  I hope you will find another that will do that and more for you!!!